I've made a decision... I'm not going to get involved with anyone else for whom I am not first... I don't have to be only but I need to be someone's first... I need to have someone whom I can devote time and energy towards that doesn't have other people in line in front of me to prevent them from accepting that from me...

I have no desire to end any of my current serious relationships... Master, J, and I consider Sir to be a rather serious relationship too... but I simply need more than any one of them are able to offer me.

one day I would like to be someones primary relationship... and even though it will mean some sort of rearranging of my current relationships I would like for them to be my primary too.

one day I would like to be with someone for whom marriage is even an option by virtue of the fact that they aren't married to someone else.

one day I would like to be in love with someone who loves me too.

*sighs* I told Master that I loved him... I told J that I love him too. I'm certain that the affection that I feel for Sir could develop into love given more interraction. Am I fickle? I don't not love Master because I love J... I don't think that you have to only romantically love one person at a time... I know people with lots of kids and they love all their kids...

sometimes I wonder what it is about me that is so apparently unloveable...

anyways... the decision that I came to I believe is a good one. I think that it will save me much heartache and many tears... I know that I am emotionally unable to be second or third to yet another woman. That's part of the problem too I think... it'd almost be easier if I couldn't stand Master's or J's wives... but I care very much for both of them... Sir's wife I haven't met but talking to Master he feels that we have much in common and would likely get along rather well... if I had designs to usurp someones position then it would be... I dunno...

bottom line. I am currently trying to do things to take care of me. Master, Sir, and J all have stuff that they need to take care of and I don't desire to be a wreck and make any of them feel obligated to 'take care' of me... I didn't hide it so well last weekend... Sir knew something was up. *sighs* I kick myself for running when I would have very much preferred to spend more time with him... but there were others who desired to spend time with him too... if it was up to me I would have spent all the time there with him in our tent... hiding with him rather than hiding alone...

I have three amazing men in my life who I get to interract with... I should be the happiest girl in the world... so why do I feel so damn sad so often?

I don't know what else to say... there's so much and I simply don't have the words for it all...

this is kinda bleh... I need to get some happy happening!

Sir and I spent the two nights bedwarming... god damn was that a lesson in being a masochist... handsome man whom I respond to very strongly as a sub and in bed with him... but just cuddling. *growls and sighs*

I told him that it was suggested to me that seducing him might be an idea... to which I immediately replied that I won't do that... I can't...

saturday morning we were cuddling and my tank had ridden up and his hand was on my bare skin... and I asked him if I could put my hand under his tunic against his skin... and he said yes and *sighs and stifles a little moan*... there was much trying to catch my breath and not tremble...

he left for a bit to go to the bathroom and I got myself off... *sighs*

when he came back and we cuddled some more and he asked how I was and I told him what I had done... we kissed a bit... and then the guy who was in the tent with us came back and we chatted but right before he came back Sir was sitting up and told me to stay there when I tried to pull him back to bed... after the guy left he pulled the covers down to my waist and kissed me all over my stomach and under my arms (which were over my head) and it was slow and sweet and sexy and I was trembling like crazy... then he pulls my tank down, brings the covers back up, moves my arms under them and kissed me soooooo gently and says "take a few minutes and then come outside and find me" and damn the second time that moring I was masturbating... he actually came back when I was getting up and dressed and asked how I was... I told him as good as I could be under the circumstances...

anyways... that's it for now... gotta run and chat with J

so the weekend was not as emotional as I had originally worried about...

oh my god it was soooooo nice to see Sir!! I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him... I mean, I _know_ that I'd missed him but then to see him and hug him for the first time in a year! He is really a wonderful guy, and still smells as amazing as I remembered!

J and I found time to wander off... *giggles* there is something about that man that brings out the primal urge for outdoor sex!

Master... well, as expected, was busy. We had a few moments alone... didn't discuss a single thing that has been needing discussing... and I currently don't know when I'll see him again. *sighs* what is a girl to do?

that's mostly it...

this is a specific journal entry limited to everyone... except any of the men that I'm currently, or have in the past year, played with and people who will get back to them... *slumps* in other words, I'm about to keep something from Master, Sir, and J.

I'm falling in love with J. And that scares me.

I've gone and done it again, fallen for someone who doesn't, and likely won't, return those feelings... now don't get me wrong... J tells me frequently that he adores me and is very protective of me and how kind and loving I am to him... his wife, "D", thanked me just a couple of nights ago for the love that I give to him... how he is happier than he has been in a long time and how he's learned how to trust again...

when I told Master that I loved him he simply said to me "I know girl".

I've been scared a few times when J and I have been very cuddly and stuff and he's looked at me and asked what I'm thinking... and I've wanted to tell him that I was thinking about how much I love him... how happy I am with him... how, until him, I had never really thought about not belonging to Master. Yes, I thought about how different things would be if I had met Sir first... but the thought of not being Master's never crossed my mind...

things haven't been good with Master for a long time... we haven't been intimate since October... and I think that the last time I slept beside him without crying myself to sleep was September... the first time I saw him after moving. I've been out of the loop, so much has been happening in his life and I find out random bits here and there... and not usually from him. I feel like I'm losing my submission to him... I get lippy with him and he simply forgives me... it's almost like it's too much effort to have me...

J has told me that he wants me... that he would like to own me... that he is envious of the bond and loyalty that I show to Master... that even though he is aware, not that I've ever really spilled about how bad things are with him he's not a stupid man, I am still loyal to him, unwilling to simply write our relationship off without trying to work on it first.

and it gets worse...

I very much enjoy the poly lifestyle... I can be monogamous but I'm fully capable of sharing... the problem lies in that with everyone, Master, J, and Sir, I am second... and while I don't covet the first position with any of them... not really... I would like to be someones first. I see these amazing men with women who, really, are princessy and difficult in many ways... and I think about what it would be like to be with someone like any one of these men, full time... now both Master's wife and J's wife and I all have relationships... Master's wife and I do not have a physical relationship although J's wife and I do...

grrrr... why can't I get stuff out of my head and onto the screen??!!

bleh. I'm rambling.

I don't know what to do, what to think, how to deal with this... a part of me wants to tell J how I feel... but I can't deal with another "I know" response... I can't put myself out there like that again.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend... Master is going to be busy so it's not like I'm going to get to see him... Sir is being celibate this week so although I'll spend time with him the intimate time that I've been looking forward to for a year isn't going to happen... and while J says that we will have time together he's going to be busy with all sorts of other activities... fighting primarily... the other girl he is seeing is going to be there... his wife will be there...

*sigh*

two nights, three days... wish me luck.

so this is the weekend that I'm going to get to see Master, Sir and J all at the same time...

I unfortunately don't get to go down until Friday... work etc... and I have to come back Sunday. Primarily I'm missing Sir and hope that we'll get to spend some time together... don't get me wrong... I miss J and Master too... but I haven't seen Sir in a whole YEAR!!!

it is going to be an interesting weekend.

that's it for now.

but I don't really have anything that I want to seriously talk about right now...

I had an amazing time with J when he was up... I always have an amazing time with J. I truly do adore that man.

I'm looking forward to seeing Master and Sir in a few weeks...

Master called the other night... Tuesday night... we talked for an hour... I've missed the sound of his voice.

that is the glossed over version... perhaps more another time.